Want to Know Why Your Relationships Fail?
A Male’s Perspective
By: Paxton Sawyer
You may have heard that after 4 or 5 failed marriages or relationships you should think:
“Maybe it is me.”
The same could be said for the dating scene.
But then maybe it’s not you. Maybe your ‘insignificant other’ never got to know you before your relationship hit the ‘serious’ stage. Any more than you got to know him.
Have you ever considered that the failures of your relationships begin at the start of your relationships?
Let’s say you are out at a club looking for Mr. Right. You’re dreaming of finding the perfect man for you, one that will love you, cherish you, put you on a pedestal and treat you like a queen for ever and ever.
And then you see him. OK, so he’s not perfect, not exactly what you have dreamed of but, that doesn’t matter. Once you get the relationship going, you can improve him a little and then he will be perfect. Nothing better than falling in love with the man you intend to transform into someone else.
The only initial problem is that he is not Mr. Right. He is Mr. Right Now. Most men out at the clubs, or anywhere else for that matter, are not really dreaming of a long term relationship or of marriage. The guys are really looking for some action. Right now. As many people have said: ‘If a man isn’t horny, feed him. If he’s not hungry or horny, have him followed’. Sure, it’s possible that a one night stand will turn into a relationship. Maybe a long term relationship. Maybe marriage. But that is not what is on his mind at the time he first meets you.
Now I know that you ladies are smart enough to have figured that much out. And you and I know that, no matter what your self image is, you are all equipped by nature to provide a man all the physical pleasure he can stand. So, when a guy shows interest, it’s either because there is an attraction to your physical appearance, he figures you will easily succumb to his charms or he is desperate and you are still there.
Let’s deal with the first one. Let’s assume that there is a physical attraction. And that you are attracted to him. So far, so good. Although it’s not unheard of for couples to start with an intellectual, business or friendship based relationship, most relationships start with a physical attraction. There’s nothing wrong with that.
But it is at this initial meeting that things start to go wrong.
Every player I have ever known swore that there was only one thing you had to know how to do to get in a woman’s pants. The man has to know how to make the woman believe he is sincere. If the woman believes he is sincere, he is going to have a fun night. And the odds are that he’s not going to call you ever again.
I have sat in bars with guys that I have known that were players, listened to them tell women the most outrageous lies and watched the women fall for it hook, line and sinker. I knew one guy who memorized maps. He would ask a woman where she was from and she would say, ‘Smalltown, Michigan’. He, although from Texas, would reply: ‘Really? Why I’m from Kindofsmall, Michigan, 20 miles down the road! Do you know Mrs. Johnson?’ And the woman would go on for an hour or more about all the folks she knew, none of which the guy knew, and he would nod or look sad or react to whatever story she told and she would take the player home. And she would never hear from him again.
The woman is, of course, hurt and angry. She was lied to and used. But not completely. She got a shot at what she went to the club for. She did get a chance at the dream.
I used to ask the players I knew why, if sincerity worked, weren’t they really sincere? Why not just be themselves? And they would tell me: ‘Because it won’t work. Women don’t want a real guy. They want a dream. They live for the fantasy’
But, let’s be honest. You girls aren’t sincere at the beginning either. Or even during the courtship. You don’t sit down and tell the truth about yourself. You don’t talk about your P.M.S. You don’t talk about what a grouch you are in the mornings. About how you really look in the flannel shirts and baggy pants that you wear most of the time. What do you really look like without that makeup and is all of that mass really your own hair? Did you tell the guy that you really don’t wear see-through teddies to bed every night and that thongs really are uncomfortable? And I’m sure that you won’t mention what’s really making that outstanding cleavage you’ve got going on or what’s going to happen when he unhooks that harness you’re wearing. Do you tell the truth about your hopes and dreams? About how many kids you want? About the house you dream of, the car you want and the lifestyle you want to live? Did you tell him your credit cards are maxed out and that you can’t balance your checkbook? How about that you can’t stand dirty dishes being left in the sink, dirty socks and underwear on floor and that you are a neat freak except when it comes to your closet? Did you tell him that you pout and whine when you don’t get your way? Were you honest when you said that you loved watching sports on television all weekend? Does your house look like it does when you don’t have a date or a steady boyfriend that you are trying to impress? Are you willing to let him see the mess in your closet? Did you tell him your idea of breakfast is whatever is left over from last night and that you will not be making him a full, hot breakfast every morning for the rest of his life?
Or are you trying to figure out what appeals to him so he will be interested in you?
Trust me. He’s interested. Or desperate. If he’s desperate, he’ll be pushing hard to get you out of the club or pushing hard on the booze.
But, what happens when you meet a guy, you are both attracted to each other and he tells you things like:
“I’m a workaholic. My normal work day is 14 hours. (Or it could be that “I can’t hold a job and I still live with mommy and daddy”.) I am a functional alcoholic. My preferred entertainment is television and strip joints. I want home cooked meals every morning and every night. I hate eating out and will only take you out when I’m trying to get lucky and you are not attacking me at home like you did when we were dating. I am about as romantic as a stump. Don’t be offended when I forget your birthday, I don’t remember my own. On weekends, I play sports in the morning and watch sports and drink and smoke all afternoon and evening. I hate talking on the phone and it’s highly unlikely that your mother and I are really going to get along. I leave my dirty socks and underwear on the floor and I leave the toilet seat up. I do not do dishes, I do not clean bathrooms and, if you want a house with a yard, you can mow the grass and trim the hedges. I hate your girlfriends except for the one or two I’m going to fantasize about when I have the red ass at you.”
You’d run. You’d think the guy was weird as hell and that he should be in a mental ward. But, he is telling you the truth. That really is what he is. He’s not a player. He’s not trying to get you in the sack that night. He wants you to know what you are getting into. He IS being sincere. He really is interested in you. He doesn’t want you to be disappointed when you find out the truth.
Welcome to reality girls. The description above is a pretty accurate description of who most of us guys really are. A few variations here and there but its pretty close.
So, after the dating game or even the ‘let’s live together thing’ ends in marriage, the real truth gets revealed. On both sides. You’re busted and so is he. Now you have to deal with the realities that you have hidden from each other. The fantasy is done.
So, instead of playing with the players, what do you do with the guy who is sincere, who tells you the pure, unvarnished, ugly truth? You could at least appreciate him for being honest. You could realize that there is a basis for a real relationship with someone who is real. It may just be a friendship. But it would be a real friendship.
So, try easing into a little truth telling yourself. Try being a little more of who you really are. For the future, remember that most guys are really so easy to control. And guys are really not all that hard to change. What is it that makes a guy behave so well, to be romantic and why was he trying so hard to please you when you were dating?
Was the guy chasing after you because you pouted, whined, because you bitched a lot and told him what to do all the time? Because you were always tired and in a bad mood? Did he find your baggy shirts, no make up and hair in a pony tail look sexy?
No. The guy was chasing you because he was interested and because you were trying. Because you were doing those special things to make life and romance interesting. Because you rewarded his good behavior. Because you lovingly got him motivated to do what you wanted him to do.
Guys work hard when you try to turn them on, when you physically please them, when you praise them and when you reward them.
Just like you want to be praised and rewarded, so do most men. The rewards we want may be different from yours but we both want rewards. And it is a simple truth. If he ain’t getting his you won’t be getting yours. To get you have to give. If you want romance, try remembering that it is women who are romantic. Men are not. Unless there is something in it for them. Have a guy plan and take you out for a special evening and, at the end of it, say: “Thank you for the special evening” and give him a peck on the cheek. See if you ever get a romantic evening planned by him again for the rest of your life. Make the evening special for him and you will get more special evenings.
As Pavlov proved with a dog, and men are not much more evolved than dogs, dogs respond to rewards.
Meet your man at the back door in your flannel shirt and baggy pants, bitch about your lousy day and jump all over him because he doesn’t do anything romantic anymore. Or better yet, because he doesn’t spend as much time with you any more. Just see how anxious he is to come home tomorrow.
Not in the mood for sex? Had a bad day? Mad at him? Just want to punish him by refusing him? Go ahead. It’s a great idea. Then get really hurt when you find out he is having sex with someone else.
Not in the mood for sex? Answer this. Even if you are in a bad mood, when did an orgasm ever feel bad? If you really want to feel that you are getting one over on him, use him for your pleasure. He won’t mind. In fact, he will feel even more loved that you loved him when you really weren’t up to it.
Meet him at the back door in that teddy you used to wear, greet him with a big kiss and rock his world; you’ll be swimming in roses and romance.
I have told you the truth. Try it and see if it works. If you’ve been married for a while, don’t expect immediate results. You have trained him already. Men, like children and dogs, pick up bad habits very quickly. Good habits take a lot of work, a lot of repetition and a lot of rewards.